Day 5

I’ve always hated things like that. You get a tune stuck in your head. You can usually remember the chorus line, but can’t remember the rest. It ends up going something like this. On the road again, blah blah blah, blah blah, blah blah, blah blah blah, blah blah, something something, on the road again. You can piece that all together. I’m sure you know the tune, and if you don’t you must be a terrorist.

I’m still trying to feel out my position. What I stand for, and against. It is hard to narrow everything down to a black and white view on everything. What’s my stance on abortion? Tax cuts? Vehicle emissions? Who should be in my cabinet? What color suits should the secret service wear? I’m thinking periwinkle with a hint of rose. I’ll make the badasses of the world look like the biggest limp wristers ever. There is a reasonable thought in all of this though. It will definitely show me who is dedicated to their jobs. If I’m in fear of my life I think it would be nice to know that the men protecting me are dedicated.

I wonder if anyone would allow me the privilege of disbanding the EPA. I figure this world is here to be plundered. Let’s run cars with no cats and black smoke dumping out the tailpipes. We can get rid of the IRS because we aren’t going to be here much longer anyway. The deficit will be around till we die so why try to fight it? I don’t think congress will go for it. How can I get around that one little snag? I’ll think on it. Ron or Billy might have some ideas. Not that I trust them to make these vital decisions, but it can’t hurt to spitball anyway.

5.

So it turns out that today’s speech, or rally, was held at a catholic church. That was awesome. I never figured I could drop so many jaws at once. You even mention the word abortion and their eyes look ready to pop. The fun didn’t stop there though. When I walked in I put out my cigarette in what appeared to be a big ashtray. It had water in it, but it looked like the birdbath I use at home for this very same purpose. Plus I only assumed because there were no other ashtrays around. I think I was incorrect in my assumption. Luckily only a few people were there at the time. I didn’t let it bother me too much. I had a speech to do. I had important issues to attend to. I had to get my agenda out there. I think my comments about the roll of the church were viewed with some criticism.

Really though, when you think about it, why does the church exist? Here are my thoughts, and you are more than welcome to disagree with me, but don’t expect me to change my mind. Society needs rules, structure, discipline. The church provides a means to accomplish this. It can exert force on people who are questionable at best. You tell them that god doesn’t want you to kill people and they don’t kill people. He tells them not to steal, they don’t steal. It is all in a effort to control the masses. Promise some grandiose, yet boring, eternity and people line up and just wait to die and have that better life. They try to control their instincts and impulses because they want to be in that perfect image of some fable. Some children’s story hero. The ultimate work of fiction. That’s my view. Having said that though, I would never abolish the church. I think they stick their hands into the wrong cookie jars at times, but I think we would be worse off without them. Doesn’t mean I have to like them. I guess they are just a necessary evil.

So, yes… It was an interesting time. I think they were ready to go grab pitchforks and burning tree limbs. I made it out of there in time, but I was actually worried. I made it to the van, popped in some mellow rock, and let my demon of a driver escort us away from the hell I had started. I think I have officially pissed off the catholic church. Hopefully nobody smites me. I guess there would have to be somebody around if that were to happen.

So off on the road we went. I swear I’ve missed some days here and there. Remember the start of this trip, I remember some of the appearances and speeches that I’ve made, but looking at the calendar I don’t feel like it has been as long as it has. I’m a little fearful of the remaining time. I’ve made fast enemies everywhere I have been. I can’t even get the KKK to support me. The rainbow coalition has issued death threats. Both political parties won’t touch me with a 10 foot pole. Hell, even that is probably too short. Every established organization has boycotted my candidacy. NAMBLA is a different story, but I won’t touch them, even though they’ve tried to touch me, or at least offered me a rather young aide. If you don’t know what NAMBLA is, look it up. I’m sure there is something on that great, big internet.

I’m still receiving money from somewhere, but we can’t figure out where it is actually from. It actually creeps me out. I’m spending it, we have no other option if the campaign is to continue. I have this feeling that at some point I’m gonna be called on it and a big favor will be owed. If I don’t win the election I don’t think I will have anything to worry about, and I don’t think there is any way I can win. I know that I’ll get at least one vote. That is if I decide to vote at all. I’m not expecting too many others to join on the bandwagon.

Out of left field here, but who would have thought that I could make it onto every state’s ballot? I’m running independent, for obvious reasons, but I made it. I think I would really like to know how, but I’m not curious enough to actually dig into it. This is how I understand it. I would have to have at least one supporter who went out and collected signatures, a lot of signatures. That points to two options. I had one supporter in all 50 states that was able to convince many, many people. Or the alternative, that one supporter lied out of their asses to get me there. That one individual could have said, “Please sign my petition to show congress that international education about the proper care of house pets, namely dogs, could lead to a greater joy and respect for life in third world countries,” and then found enough stupid people to sign it without reading it. I think that is probably the more likely scenario. Who would want to eat a dog anyway? Doesn’t sound too tasty to me.

There are some debates coming up soon, within the next few months anyway. I might even be invited. You do know that I am a master debater right? I practice every night, maybe even a few times a night when I get really lonely. I just wonder how I would answer questions related to the economy, fuel efficiency, and pollution. What about my stance on the role of an active government? Don’t even get me started on the “Global Warming” myth. How many people can honestly say that 100 year old thermometers had the accuracy or our current 0.0001 degree resolution pieces of today? I know I can’t say that I can with a straight face. Of course it is debatable, otherwise it would make a poor debate question.

I do debate though. Should I say what people want to hear? I’ve done a pretty poor job of that so far and it is probably too late to change that. Guess I should just stick to my insanity of a campaign and run it straight. Not that anything I do is really all that straight. If I can say it with a smile it must be true.