Day 4

4.

I’m not really sure what I am getting into. I’m only a few weeks in and already I am feeling the presence of failure. I mean honestly, there is no possible chance that I will actually win this election. I have noticed some odd things though. Advertising, that I didn’t pay for, or even heard about, has been airing on TV. I think it said “This message paid for by the Committee for a Dwindling Life.” Who, or what rather, is that? I’ve never heard of these people, but they seem to know who I am. I must admit that the commercial was tasteful and true to my vision. The vision of a few declining genotypes. They put it in such a way to almost make me sound sane. Quite masterful work, if you ask me.

I did also notice that my bank account looks much healthier than I left it. Last I checked there was two dollars and 54 cents. That was after my huge advertising dues were paid. I’m not going to say how much is there, let’s just say that I shouldn’t have many issues with the campaign. I wonder if the bank screwed up or if some anonymous individual, or group, has taken an interest in me and decided to back my efforts. Hopefully I’ll find out someday.

I haven’t even seen one of “my” commercials yet. I do hope that they will air. I am also starting to receive some publicity from the local press. There was a heart warming picture of me offering a homeless man some food to eat. It was a hotdog to be exact. A two week old hotdog that had been sitting in my car. I think it must have been laced with some super preservatives or something. It was still soft and pliable when I gave it away. The bun was looking a little worse for wear, but the dog actually didn’t look to bad and since my car was hot, so was the stick of rotting meat.

The homeless guy almost choked on it, but with a swift pat on the back he grunted and continued to eat the death dog. Hopefully I didn’t kill him. Actually I don’t think it really matters. I got a great picture out of the deal and that would have made it worthwhile to me. I think he would feel the same if he really thought about it. What could he possibly be bitter about? He would have sacrificed his life for the greater good. He would be able to claim a huge helping hand in electing the most influential leader in history. That is a legacy to be proud of. If only I could be so lucky.

Anyway, here I am. Tired, bored, confused, and tired. Oh… I already said that. This is a job in itself. I really did figure that traveling around would be mostly fun and games. I’ve only made it 2 towns over from my home, but I already miss it. I’ve got a couple thousand more miles to go and if it takes this long I don’t think I will ever be done. We are on a bus because there is was no way I could afford to fly everywhere. I know I could afford to do whatever I want now, but it seemed like a waste of money to fly everywhere when we have a perfectly good bus and driver. They also told me I would lose my deposit if I canceled at the last minute.

So here we are. Billy, Ron, some driver, and myself. I’m about ready to screw the bathroom door shut because people don’t seem to understand that on a tour bus their beef becomes everyone’s beef. And let me tell you, there has been some nasty beef so far.

Ron is my campaign manager. He is heading up the finances and scheduling the appearances. Billy is taking care of the fundraising and speechwriting. I haven’t had the heart to tell him that he is dyslexic, but I think he is. Well, he could just be an idiot as well. Some of the words that he expects me to say make no sense. Actually, most of what he writes is complete garbage. He writes it. I ignore it. He writes more crap. I ignore that as well. He seems to enjoy doing ti though so I just let him think that he is great at it.

Ron’s job has got to be simple. We have plenty of money and people keep calling him to schedule speeches and photo ops. All he has had to do is pick up the phone, flip to the appropriate page in the planner, and say “Yes, he’ll be there.” It is almost creepy in a way. It shouldn’t be this easy should it? I just assumed that taking the country by storm would be a fulltime job. I still think I am going to lose, but at least it will be in style.

I read a quote recently and I’m not sure how to take it. Some reporter wrote that I reminded them of a young Hitler. He went on to say that I was vibrant, full of energy and conviction, and a fresh face to watch. Who uses Hitler’s name in general conversation as a good thing? I mean it really did sound like a compliment, how he wrote it and all, but I’m still not sure if it is something to be proud of. If I win I might as well start throwing people into concentration camps and wearing a white sheet around. I think I could be a real sheet head if I was so inclined. I guess that is better than being a rag head. Either way, it was just an odd thing to read. I am honored and all, he was an amazing public speaker, but I know my opponents are going to use it against me.

On the road again… I can’t get that song out of my head.